yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
