I'm eating all of the evidence.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
