Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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