I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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