She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize