i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
