I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
