You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
