You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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