wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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