I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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