Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
