For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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