if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
