the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
