She said her name was "party"
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
