from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
