i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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