shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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