I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
