i jhust puked up my retainher.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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