I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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