Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize