I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
