This is not my ceiling
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
