mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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