Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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