6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
