im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
