3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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