Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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