3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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