so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Those nachos came to me in a dream
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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