Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
