Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
