I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
