We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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