then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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