He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
