weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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