I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize