Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
