I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
