Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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