Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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