weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
