I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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