hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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