I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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