My Higher Power is John Stamos
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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