i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
