God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
