is your mom at the bar?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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