True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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