Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
