I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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