Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
