There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
