I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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