tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
