I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
