If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
bring money and cleavage
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
