Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
