I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
