when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
