I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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