i would punch a child for taco bell
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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