dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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