Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
