Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
