it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
