Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
